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Swamp Thing
By Leroux

If there ever were a lame idea to base a game on, Swamp Thing would be it. Yes, Swamp Thing is even worse than basing games on Rocky and Bullwinkle, Home Alone and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but all of those ineffectual ideas mentioned thus far have been games published by THQ, the company that can give even the most avid NES fan nightmares.

Ever play an NES game from THQ? If you have, don't read further. You learned your lesson.

Rather than summarize this wretched game in as few words as possible as I'd prefer, I decided to give a brief description of my thought process through the first few sequences of the game. That should suffice for a review, and give the potential player a better idea of what kind of excrement he'll be making sand castles with, as just saying, "This is a boring platform game that has been executed poorly," doesn't do this game the harsh justice it deserves. Not even capital punishment would.

PRESSING POWER
"Okay, I just put Swamp Thing into the NES and put it on. What an odd idea to base a game around. Oh well, it still could be good."

THE TITLE SCREEN
"Oh no. This game was made by THQ. It can't be good."

AFTER NOT PRESSING A BUTTON DUE TO SHOCK
"Great, now I get to read about the history of Swamp Thing until my temporary paralysis wears off. Wow, this is exciting. A botanist is making a formula, but this weird purple guy shows up for no reason other than "world domination" (I guess botanists were first on his list) and sets him on fire. Instead of the fire killing him though, it melts some weird concoction into his skin and turns him into Swamp Thing. In other words, a green mutant wants revenge on a purple whatever. Outlook: bleak."

PRESS START
"Oh no, there's that purple thing again. And it's time to read more text, wonderful. Seems that dumb purple thing didn't steal enough formula for his world domination scheme, so now he wants to capture Swamp Thing. Worst of all, he's creating Un-Men! Gasp! Sarcasm!"

IT BEGINS
"Well, the game doesn't look that bad. The background is ugly and repetitive, but at least there's a neat lightning effect, kind of. It's kind of dumb though too. Swamp Thing is a big green and black blur, but I guess that's what he's supposed to be. This music is just the same few lines repeated though, and when Thing jumps it sounds like he has springs on his feet. Not good. Nothing really appeals to the senses, but this at least looks playable."

THE TIN CAN
"A few steps and a jump over a Venus flytrap spitting a jellyfish out of it's mouth and into the air, only to have it come back in, and now there's this strange can floating in the water. Well, it's just a can. It's probably there just for detail. How can a tin can hurt a mutant anyway?"

THAT'S HOW
"So Swamp Thing is vulnerable to tin cans. Why doesn't that purple thing just call Chef Boyardee to take care of business?"

I CAN'T WALK
"Swamp Thing moves faster when he jumps than when he walks. What's the matter with him? Did he just stumble out of bed? Even walking is annoying. That's not a good sign. Oh well, let's punch that flying thing. Dead. That was easy. Let's try and duck and punch this mechanical dog. Ducking . ducking . and the punch is too high. Guess I can't kill them."

FISH
"Let's just jump here, and then here. Phew. Made it past that fish jumping out of the water."

SPECIAL DELIVERY
"Why didn't that fish jump before? How am I supposed to know that as soon as I land on that platform, a fish jumps out from directly below? Damn, now I'm almost dead. Better take things slow so no more glitches kill me. Look, now it's raining tin cans. Well, that obstacle was easily avoided. Jump. Jump. Look, a door with knives flying out. You're throwing tin cans at me and I'm supposed to be scared of some skin-piercing knives. Please. Oh, no, more falling cans. The terror! Hey, this isn't so bad. Pretty boring though. Look, there's an alligator. And it chased me into a tin can! Death, but not in vain! Wait, I died stepping on a tin can. Never mind."

NEVER BETTER
The rest of Swamp Thing is just as boring, frustrating and glitch filled as what was mentioned here. Much of the game is based on trial and error, and with a very limited stock of lives, there's no saving this game. Damage is unavoidable at points, and most enemies can't be killed to lessen the difficulty of some jumps. Swamp Thing is uneventful and leaves me feeling numb.

AND SINCE WHEN DO TIN CANS HURT MUTANTS?

My Score: 2/10

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