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| Hello,
and welcome to the Video Game
Interviews for People Who Like
Video Games... Show. Today, we
game expert and, president of the
Research Society of Strange Video
Game Phenomena, and... golfer! |
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Hi
Everyone! |
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Hello,
Golfer Ted, how are you this fine
day? |
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Great! |
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That's
good. I hear you happen to be an
expert on video game cliches and
their causes? |
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Yes.
Like with golf. Come on, we all
know no one over 300 pounds plays
golf. |
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Fine.
Well, we'll be discussing this
strange knowledge of yours and
finding out some of these...
unanswered questions. |
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Is
this like the Weakest Link?
Because I don't like that show. I
was on it a few weeks ago, but
NBC "lost" the tapes. |
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Not
in the least. Goodbye. Errr... So
Golfer Ted, how can you explain
the strange phenomenon of
characters falling off of high
places without getting hurt? |
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Hmm...
First, they have parachutes and
they are invisible. |
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Interesting. |
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And
another is that they have plenty
of stunt men if something goes
wrong. Like in Jack Nicklaus
golf, Jack was supposed to be in
it, but he got hit in the head
with a golf ball in the middle of
the game. |
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What
about those guns, like in Contra,
that never seem to run out of
ammunition? |
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Hmm,
that's a good one. You see, they
have this magic gun where it
never runs out of bullets. You
take a step, you get 5 more
bullets. Something that the
commies invented, actually. |
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Why
is it that characters like Mario
can touch an enemy and die, but
enemies only die when you step on
them? |
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Hmm,
you see... those enemies are
covered in acid, and Mario's
shoes have acid protectors on it. |
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Explain
the cliche of multiple lives. |
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Simple.
It's a conspiracy with the video
game companies and God. It's
quite complicated, actually. |
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Why
is it that those mushrooms at the
end of the first seven castles in
Mario always say the same thing? |
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Well,
that's the only words they know
in their language. It actually
converts to "the princess is
in the 8th castle." |
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So
they basically walk around the
kingdom all the time, saying what
castle the princess is in? |
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As
weird as it sounds, yes. Well,
duh, it's happened before. Look
at Super Mario Bros. 3, and other
games. |
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How
can video game characters get hit
with multiple bullets before
dying, like Solid Snake in Metal
Gear? |
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Hmm.
Well, you see... bulletproof
vests. But they get weaker. |
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How
do blocks and coins float in
mid-air, like in Mario? |
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Well,
they have invisible poles holding
them up. |
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How
do the characters keep from
crashing into the polls? |
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Uhh...
well, the poles are 10 back at
least. And plus, the characters
would just go around it. |
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What
about those pits that cause
characters to die? Do they even
have a bottom, and if not, why
doesn't the character just keep
falling forever? |
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Well,
you see, those pits are actually
trampolines, but due to faulty
equipment, the game says you die. |
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Could
you please explain the time
phenomenon? You know, where a
charcter dies as soon as a timer
hits zero? |
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Hmm...
well that... uhh... he has a bomb
strapped on him |
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Why
doesn't he just take the bomb off
or disarm the bomb? |
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He
can't. It's super-glued to him.
And plus, the bomb will explode
if he messes with the wires. |
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Oh.
How does the music play when a
character is doing stuff? I mean,
uhhh... notice how there's always
music coming from somewhere and
it almost always fits the
scenario the character is in? |
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It's
in the character's head. |
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Does
that mean we can read the
characters' minds? |
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Got
to go, bye. |
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Well,
that was a quick exit. You'd
almost think he didn't know the
answ... never mind. I guess that
ends our interview with Golfer
Ted, noted video game expert,
president of the Research Society
of Strange Video Game Phenomena,
and golfer. Tune in next time for
the Video Game Interviews for
People Who Like Video Games...
Show. See ya! |
