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All rise! |
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| | ::The crowd rises:: |
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This is the case of Jason vs. Wall Street Kid, the honorable Judge Light presiding! |
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Thank you, baliff. Are all parties present? |
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Yes they are, your honor. |
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Okay. Can the plaintiff, Jason, please fill me in on the nature of the case? |
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Yes, your honor. I'm suing the defendant, Wall Street Kid, on account of damages. |
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What kind of damages? |
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Your honor, the defendant duped me into purchasing a box of nuclear materials that caused some major damages to my household. |
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I object, your honor! The plaintiff is merely trying to influence the ruling of the case! |
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Objection overruled. |
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You know, you do look like the kind of person that would overrule an objection such as that! |
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And just what is that supposed to mean? |
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Well, a great judge like you deserves a Sustain-O-Matic! It overrules overruling objections and comes with a special attachment to mince, slice, and dice dozens of fresh foods! And this all comes in one kit for only... |
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Mr. Kid! Are you trying to give me a sales pitch in this courtroom?! |
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Why yes, your honor! It doesn't surprise me that an intelligent guy like you would catch onto that so fast! |
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Mr. Kid! Stop that right now! Just lay aside your sales job for the time being, and let us proceed in this case! |
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But your honor! I need to sell stuff! It's the only way I can legally inherit my relatives' estate! They were going to have me play the stock market to see if I was worthy of the estate, but I convinced them otherwise! Please your honor. I would hate to think that a nice guy like you would crush someone else's dreams! |
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... |
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Please, judge! |
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Well... uhhh... No! No, this is a courtroom! It's not meant to hold sales pitches! Now if you please, Mr. Kid, don't speak up until absolutely necessary! |
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Yes, your honor. |
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Mr. Jason.. uh... what is your last name, anyway? |
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...Sustain-O-Matic, huh? You know, that just might not be a bad id- |
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Ahem! Jason? |
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Oh, sorry your honor. As I was saying, Mr. Kid used his very unjust tactics to get me to buy a box of radioactive material. |
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You mean to tell me that a salesman convinced you to buy a box of radioactive material? |
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Yes, your honor. |
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Okay, uhh... will you please excuse me for a minute? |
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Umm. Certainly, your honor. |
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| | ::Judge Light walks to his chambers, closing the door behind him as he enters:: |
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| | ::The crowd hears very loud, yet very muffled, laughter coming from behind the door:: |
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| | ::Judge Light walks back to his bench nonchalantly:: |
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Sorry for that little interruption. Now it seems to me that if you bought nuclear substances from a salesman, it's obviously your fault for buying the harmful substances in the first place. |
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But I would at least think that radioactive substances shouldn't be sold by typical salespeople in the first place. |
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Yes, that is true, and you do make a very good point. But at this very moment, we're discussing your being... well, to put it bluntly... gullible and purchasing a ridiculous thing like nuclear substances off of a door-to-door salesman. |
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If you had heard his sales speech, you would have at least taken it into consideration to buy the product. This man's speech was very powerful. |
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I would have done no such thing! What do you take me for? The day I buy nuclear material off of this man -- or any salesman, for that matter -- is the day I'll give you a million dollars. |
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Okay. You've made your point, your honor. |
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I'm not done hearing your side of things. Don't you have a witness you'd like to call up? |
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I'm sorry to say, your honor, that I don't have a witness to call up. |
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Well, I think this case is nearly over. But before it ends, let me just hear Mr. Kid's side of this. |
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Well, your honor, I admit to selling nuclear substances to Jason over here. But I would have to agree with you that if he bought them off of me, that was his own fault. |
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Well, I think that pretty much brings things to an end. The defendant will not be charged with payment of damages on Jason's part. Case dismissed. |
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I thank you for seeing things that way, your honor! |
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Now wait a second! This case may be over, but it's not over! |
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I don't quite see what you mean. |
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There still is the problem of you selling the nuclear material in the first place. |
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It was just a sales item, your honor. |
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That makes no difference. You were selling unlawful material, and you should know that it is illegal. |
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Well, I hope that this court is aware that I do have a license to sell items of this nature, door-to-door in fact. |
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I would like to see such a license. |
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Why certainly, your honor. |
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| | ::Mr. Kid pulls out his wallet and removes a small card from within:: |
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| | ::Mr. Kid hands the card to Judge Light:: |
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You expect this to pass as anything? Where'd you get this card, at a raffle? |
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Why, your honor, I am truly astonished by your wonderful insight! How did you guess that? |
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Bah! You work through very shaky ways. |
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I just try to get my job done, your honor. |
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You could have always sold ties or pizza coupons or something. Why nuclear materials? |
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It's just a matter of preference, your honor. |
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Then tell me this. What would a normal, everyday person do with nuclear materials? |
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Ah, I'm glad you asked that, your honor! There's many things a person like you can do with nuclear substances! Why, all the way in Yagilstan, they regularly use nuclear boxes for lawn decorations! |
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Yagilstan? Where's that? |
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Does it matter, your honor? Why turn down such a beautiful product such as a box of nuclear material? Have you even gotten a paycheck that just seemed too small? Well, with this, you can just put the check on top and it instantly doubles in size and gives you great amounts of emotional and financial security! |
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What?! Are you off your rocker? |
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Why no, your honor, but with my special nuclear material, you can instantly turn one rocking chair into two rocking chairs, so you have a chance yourself to proudly proclaim that your are on or off your rocker! |
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What is this you're blabbering about? I told you not to give a sales pitch in this courtroom! |
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Ah, I had a feeling you'd say that! That's why my special nuclear substances are specially designed to relieve stress and make people much more friendly and outgoing! |
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Will you please stop this nonesense! |
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I can see you're very stressed out right now! A box of nuclear substances would be perfect for you! And do you know how much I offer this package for? |
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I... have no idea. And I really.. don't care. |
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See, you'll say that now, but once you hear that we're offering this package for not the suggested retail price of $1599, not the sale price of $1299, not even the wholesale price of $1099, but we're offering this package for the extremely low price of... |
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Mr. Kid. Will you please... |
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$20.99! |
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Only $20.99? I must say, you're convincing, but if you think I'm stupid enough to... |
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Ah, hold that thought for just one second! Because I'm about to tell you that these nuclear substances are hand-made and of the highest quality available! Not even the highest scientific institutes and research centers in the land have nuclear items this valuable! |
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Well... |
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And for being such an understanding man, I'll give you the entire nuclear package, plus a free tissue dispenser, for the low, low price of only $15.99! |
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Uhhhh... uhhhh... I'll take it! I'll take everything you've got! |
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Ah, your honor, I knew you'd understand. |
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Is Jason still here? |
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I'm still here, your honor. |
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Ah, Jason, you were absolutely right! I never thought a sales pitch could be so powerful! |
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Well, your honor, there's something else I'd like to point out. |
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And just what is that? |
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The matter of damages caused by the radioactive material. |
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Look, Jason, I already told you that the responsibility for this does not rest on the salesperson. Regardless of the fact that he sold substances which should be considered dangerous. |
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Well... it's not just that your honor! |
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What else could it possibly be? |
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| | ::The entire floor suddenly shakes sporadically:: |
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| | ::A few bits and pieces from the ceiling fall to the floor:: |
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I'd like you and the plaintiff to step outside for a minute. |
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Well, I suppose we could do that. I'd like to know what caused those disturbances we just felt. |
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Follow me. |
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| | ::Jason, Wall Street Kid, and Judge Light leave the courtroom to step outside:: |
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